Monday, April 23, 2007

2007 Schedule Announced

The Pioneer League Great Falls White Sox have recently released their 2007 schedule, which means we can begin putting in requests for leave on certain Friday's throughout the season.

2007 Thursday Home Games:

21st vs Billings
28th vs Billings

5th vs Missoula
12th vs Ogden

2nd vs Helena
9th vs Casper

The 2007 TTC Road Trip will be to Missoula this year near the end of the season. August 31st and September 1st (Friday and Saturday nights). All members and the friends of the TTC are welcome to attend. The TTC team hotel will be the Red Lion Inn, which is in walking distance to both the stadium and to the bars and clubs downtown, should any of you be willing to brave the streets of Missoula following the game! You’re all encouraged to book early and clear your schedules! Last year’s trip to Helena was a blast and a huge success! There’s nothing better than going into enemy territory and treating it like your own home.

Stay tuned to the site for more updates!

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Tuesday, January 09, 2007

Clemmers, Sky Sox Ink 3 Year Deal

In a monumental loss to the Great Falls White Sox, free agents Joe and Anne Clemmer have signed a 3 year, $30 million deal with the Colorado Springs Sky Sox, the AAA affiliate of the Colorado Rockies. The deal includes front-row box seats behind the visitors' dugout and an unlimited supply of functional air horns. As an added bonus, the Clemmers have arranged for $1 wines in addition to $1 beers, officially ending Anne's status as "DD." Inside sources say that Joe would not finalize the deal until the Sky Sox also threw in a subscription to ESPN the Magazine and full time use of the MP3 player.

"We are sad to leave our fellow Club members in Great Falls," stated a cigar-puffing Joe Clemmer. "But this was a deal we just couldn't pass up. Honing our heckling skills in a big market, for that kind of money, is just unbelievable."

Thirsty Club President Jared Smith, visibly upset at losing 2 of his featured stars, commented: "We kind of dropped the ball on the Clemmer deal. We focused our attention on signing some Calgary 9s to boost morale, and we didn't give the Clemmers the attention they deserved. But I don't know if we could have competed with the Sky Sox, despite all the things the Great Falls metropolitan area has to offer."

The Clemmers become the 2nd White Sox alum to move on to greener pastures, as Former Club President Jeff Andreoli was traded to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays late last season. Rumor has it that he has such big plans in the works for next season that Fidel Castro is worried. Don Knotts Security personnel have already locked down the New Orleans to Miami corridor in anticipation of the spring-time takeover.

With 1 Club alum in the big leagues, and 2 now in AAA, the Thirsty Thursday Club in Great Falls is producing stars and prospects at a much faster rate than the actual baseball team in that town.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

Ex-Prez Gets To Work

Although the Great Falls White Sox season is complete (thank God), former Thirsty Thursday Club (TTC) President Jeff Andreoli continues to heckle professional baseball players. Andreoli was traded to the Tampa Bay Devil Rays late in the season, part of an internal house cleaning conducted by TTC Executives in response to a terrible team record. He made his Tampa debut on Sunday, as the Devil Rays beat the New York Yankees 11-4. The rout has caused local fans to hail Andreoli as a savior. "Are we eliminated from the playoff race yet?," shouted longtime Ray fan Peter Stockton. "Cause with this guy (Andreoli) on our side, we may never lose another game!"

Despite the win, Andreoli acknowledged that he has a lot a work to do in Tampa, and it will take some time to adjust to his new surroundings. "They had 30,000 in the stadium today," he said. "That's 29,950 more than an average White Sox game. It's a little tougher to heckle, but it can be done from a good seat." Normal attendance for a Devil Ray game is much lower, and with an enclosed stadium, acoustics should not be a problem. What will be a problem are the $6.50 beers. "They better increase my salary 7-fold, to deal with this beer-inflation situation," said Andreoli.
As the off-season approaches, the first order of business will be recruitment. Andreoli will be on the hunt for quality beer drinking hecklers to join this elite organization. Hopefully by next spring, the Thirsty Thursday Club, Tampa Division, will be a force to be reckoned with. Whether the Devil Rays will be a force in the A.L. East, well that's another story.

Wednesday, September 13, 2006

Executives Label Year a Success

Speaking from behind a mountainous column of overturned beer cups, Thirsty Thursday Club President Jared Smith and Vice-President Scotty Simpson hailed the myriad accomplishments of The Club during its 4th season in service to the Great Falls White Sox. Despite a 7.69% winning percentage, cantankerous senior citizens, stolen bicycles, Bush League heckling etiquette from fans of opposing teams, and having to live in Great Falls, Smith still trumped The Club's victory. "You can't see it in a simple Win/Loss fashion. You have to look at how much beer we drank, now that's the real triumph! I'd say on average, each Club member drank around 5-6 beers a game. Now that's not Earth-shattering at first, but please consider the fact that some of our members occasionally chose not to partake of the Lord's good brew. That moves the Club's starting line-up of alcoholics to between 7-9 beers a game. Add in the pioneering of Centene Stadium's new "Special Pepsi" and I'd say we got more than adequately hammered each game. How else can one define 'success' in Great Falls?" Added a poised Simpson, "Plus, there was the intern. Did you see the intern?"
When questioned as to their future, Club leadership smiled, drank their beers, and added to the precariously tilted pillar of plastic cups. "Getting more than thimble-sized beers on Thursday nights would be a good start," chided Simpson. "Plus I think we might open up a Cowboy's night club right next to the veteran's memorial for post-game partying. I mean, it's tough to beat Piano Pat, but I think the girls with holsters full of rum could probably handle it. We're still in negotiations with the Calgary division, but there's a lot of red tape with this international business stuff." Continued Smith, "As far as The Club is concerned, there are a lot of new recruits begging to drink beer with the Electric City's finest. As Godfather Oli once put it, donning the black and the grey is more than putting on a shirt; it's about getting those heckles in at the right time, with the right volume, and tailored to crush that particular player's will to live. We've got to refine our skills, strengthen our livers, and continue to drink until the White Sox actually win a few games."

Saturday, August 19, 2006

Words Exchanged as Tensions Escalate

Frustrated by a terrible White Sox team, the Thirsty Thursday Club launched a verbal assault upon the Ogden Raptors Thursday night, forcing most of the team to the top steps of the dugout. The Raptors apparently wore their rabbit ears that night, as glares and words were exchanged throughout the course of the game. Their best comeback, "look at the score," was meritless based on the fact that the White Sox lose every game, and in reality, an 8-7 loss is really a victory in our books.

In response to the incidents, acting President Scotty Simpson raised the threat level to "Orange," and called in extra Don Knotts Security personnel to protect the Club. The Club was escorted out a secret exit and taken to a secure, undisclosed location, as most of the Ogden team was waiting by their bus after the game with bats in hand.

One arrest was made, as Club member Joe Clemmer was taken into custody for using an illegal audio device. The fact that his air horn sounded more like a party favor or a wet fart did not matter to law enforcement officials. Raptor first baseman Rick Taloa accompanied the officers to the police station, not as witness, but as a man on a mission to find more donuts. And in response to the mullet chant, Raptor pitcher Cody White replied, "I'm trying to look more like my hero, Scott Baio, during his Charles in Charge days. Plus it fits right in here in Great Falls."

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Andreoli Answers the Call

Well, as they say, desperation makes strange bedfellows. This case is no exception. In a last ditch effort to rescue their season, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays have completed a trade for Thirsty Thursday Club (TTC) Special Advisor Jeff Andreoli. Rays owner Stuart Sternberg was available to comment: “We heard he was a top notch guy. It’s the kind of talent we just can’t pass over. If we could field some ball players with skills comparable to [Oli’s] heckling proficiency, we’d have a dynasty like the Detroit Tigers!”

The specific details of the deal were not disclosed, but an informant close to the organization spoke to TTC reporters on the condition of anonymity. (His name’s actually Joe Maddon – he’s the manager of the Devil Rays – f*#! anonymity). “He’ll be more than adequately compensated for his relocation," Maddon said, seen above at a press conference before last night's game. "We’ve been having trouble getting the kind of quality hecklers we’ve been looking for locally, so we’ve decided to go outside of our own farm system and bring in a real pro. I’m sure he’ll be able to whip these fans into shape and get the job done right. I mean, just look at what he’s produced up there in Great Falls. It’s amazing!”

Word on the street is that Oli was not initially interested in the deal, but was swayed by the monetary compensation as well as the addendum to his contract which guaranteed him auditions with several local bands (all of which have names that are pronounceable by individuals without astronomy degrees – see Enceladus). “It was just an opportunity I couldn’t turn down,” said the TTC’s former President. “I certainly won’t forget all the little people I stepped on and squashed to get where I am, and I’m looking forward to a fresh crop of rookies to order around.”

The Club’s current President, Jared Smith, views this deal as a blessing in disguise. “He’s earned this opportunity, and I know he’ll make it,” exclaimed Smith through tear filled eyes. “We hate to see him go, but we understand that this is a business,” Smith declared. “He's mentored me well, and I’m ready to help take the TTC to the next level.”

The Great Falls community, as well as the remaining members of the Thirsty Thursday Club, all wish Jeff a warm farewell, and commend him on a job well done. The August 17th game vs Ogden will be his last Thirsty Thursday. But his legacy here will not be forgotten. As a token of good faith, the organization has agreed that his #19 jersey will be retired.

Best of luck in your new surroundings, Oli!

Monday, August 14, 2006

Club Asks Cole for Mercy

The Thirsty Thursday Club has seen the White Sox play the Helena Brewers a whopping 6 times this season, and their record is a dismal 1-5. During these losses, Brewers' centerfielder Cole Gillespie has torn Sox pitching apart. It's a rare event when the big guy from Oregon State makes an out, and even when he hits the ball 2 inches, he still gets a hit. He smacked one so far yesterday that golfers on the 6th tee at Eagle Falls golf course were scrambling for cover. And no matter what strategy the Club takes against the slugger, be it the silent treatment or making fun of his weight, Cole continues to stroke base hits.

In response to these ferocious attacks, Club President Jared Smith has decided to throw in the towel and cry uncle. Smith and the Club acknowledge that Cole is the better man, and are in negotiations as we speak to limit Cole's damaging blows. The Club will give Cole his own numbered Thirsty Thursday Club jersey, a year's supply of Spitz seeds, and several gallons of the Club's own "special" Pepsi. In return, Cole will agree to bat left handed and blindfolded in all games against the Sox. He will also have to use a regulation Wiffle Ball bat. "He'll still probably bat .400 against us," said a frustrated Smith. "But it's better than the .900 he's hitting now."

Gillespie was unavailable to speak on the transaction, but sources say he is especially excited about getting his hands on some of that "special" Pepsi. Several White Sox players were approached for comment, but apparently they had all suffered hearing loss the previous evening and could not understand the questions, only muttering something about "free beer" and "loud Bush covers and made up Nirvana songs."