Monday, July 03, 2006

Centene Stadium to Raise Beer Prices to $9 on Non-Thursday Games

This harsh reaction came in response to the utter onslaught the fabled Thirsty Thursday Club carried out on the concession stands on June 29th, the White Sox first Thursday Game. "The Thursday night beer promotion was originally conceived to bring otherwise non-interested parties to watch the Sox on a normally mundane night of the week," stated a forlorn Jim Keough, White Sox General Manager (pictured above being consoled by White Sox Pitching Coach Curt Hasler). "We figured there would be an increase in male attendence, most likely due to gentlemen stopping by the game after work to let off some steam. What we, and our financial backers, did not expect is a professionally trained, bottomless-stomached, indomittable bevy of genetically-engineered individuals to drink this organization to near bankruptcy." Keough later apologized and said that, as the White Sox organization were men and women of their words, the Thirsty Thursday promotion would continue, but to augment the staggering finanical impact wrought by the Thirsty Thursday Club, beer prices would have to be substancially increased "... just to pay the concessionaires' salaries."
When asked for a comment, Club Vice-President and local rockstar Jared Smith replied "Well, apparently they didn't realize that the team plays in GREAT FALLS, MONTANA. There ain't jack-$h!t else to do in this here "Electric City" on a Thurday night, or any night for that matter, so Oli (Club President Jeff Andreoli) told us about $1 beers. Where else am I going to spend my $1's? At (local gentlemen's club) The Playground? Sorry, I wouldn't step foot in that place wearing an astronaut suit coated in bleach and penicillin." An obviously inebriated Smith then trailed off into an incoherent rambling about something vaguely reminiscent of "Cowboys" and "The Greatest City in the World".
To be sure, this reporter recommends all who desire a tasty, fermented beverage during a Sox' Thursday game to arrive at least three hours early as to ensure your place in line in front of The Club. But don't expect a refill.

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