Sunday, July 16, 2006

Grounds Keeper Challenges Club Member to a Fight "at the Bike Racks"

In what was billed as a veritable clash of insignificant titans, head Centene Stadium grounds keeper Carl Haushofer threw down the proverbial gauntlet- in the form of his cherished dirt rake- in fit of geriatric rage aimed at key members of the Thirsty Thursday Club during last Thursday's game against Idaho Falls.
Sources say the tobacco-stained, toothless rant came in response to the Club's victory celebration after they eclipsed the fabled century mark, the drinking of 100+ beers, at a Sox game. "We were ecstatic, in a euphoric state," stated Club Vice-President and prominent-thesaurus user Jared Smith. "Foremost, we love the White Sox. Wait, no. Foremost we love beer, but the White Sox provide a hallowed medium in which we may partake of these libations. This feat is a testament to the collective strength of our hearts and livers. Plus beers are like only a dollar." But not all in attendence were ready to applaud the Club's triumph.
"These damned kids and their evil drink," lamented an obviously rattled Haushofer (pictured to the right with Teddy Roosevelt circa 1910). "Why, such buffoonery has not crossed these eyes since the year of our Lord, nineteen forty and six where I witnessed some drunken Tripolian pirates run afoul of a Tunisian snakecharmer and the scene ended in fisticuffs. Now, I was the merchant marine featherweight champion back in nineteen ott eight, and I was ready to test these hoodlums in a match of pugilism, so I shouted 'Do yourself and myself a favor and get off the field.' They knew what was best for 'em apparently, and they obeyed promptly like good little girls and boys. It's a good thing too, 'cuz I would have gave 'em a waxing just like we did to the Spanish at San Juan Hill."
The target of all this depression-era antagonism was Club member Scotty "Golden Voice" Simpson. "I vaguely remember some senile old man shouting at me through his two teeth at the end of the game. I think he was looking for his pills or something," recalled an obviously hung-over Simpson. The purported round of martial action never ensued after the game, as the Thirsty Thursday Club retired to their homes to start drinking water in preparation for the July 27th game against Helena, and Haushofer was left to return to his home to meet his three cats and stare at his Jack Dempsey poster.


Blogger Scotty #13 said...

Right on. I don't know who pissed on his Corn Flakes, but he was clearly an ornery old man. I miss the old days when the TTC and grounds crew worked together for a better stadium (and a home plate photo op).

8:17 AM  
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