Monday, July 10, 2006

Thirsty Thursday Club Puts Child Through College

The Thirsty Thursday Club was recently credited with giving a young man the opportunity of a lifetime by fully financing his tuition to Stanford University, a West Coast Affiliate of the Club reported earlier today. The young man, Assad al-Bisrab, originally saw his only future as selling stolen hub caps and potentially working his way up to assistant night deputy under-clerk at the local Safeway warehouse, but the unquenchable pallet of the The Thirsty Thursday Club changed all that.

"I had done well in school while in my native Kashmir, but my family only recently moved to the United States and we barely had money to pay for a paper and pencils so I could attend Armijo (High School in Fairfield, CA)," stated an ecstatic al-Bisrab (pictured below at the gates of his new campus).

Assad's father, Azheet Midrarz al-Bisrab, gained employment as a sanitation technician at the local Anheuser-Busch Brewery shortly after arriving in the US and thought that the job was a one-way path to the terrors of hell, as his religious views conflicted deeply with with the economic enterprise of his employers. "I was tormented nightly. May Allah strike me where I stand," lamented Azheet as he watched the infidels ferment their cursed libations. But his family's fortunes began to change in the Summer of '03.

"We noticed a sudden, and extreme, spike in beer sales from our Northwest Distribution section," stated Fairfield's Anheuser-Busch plant manager Jim McClellan. "The demand seemed to emanate from the otherwise forgettable town of Great Falls, MT. For whatever reason, our profits seem to shoot through the roof every summer, all due to our Great Falls' sales. In reality, we could probably only operate those 3 months out of the year and still be filthy rich." In response to this monstrous influx of revenue, Anheuser-Busch gave all its employees immense stock options and huge bonuses- more than enough to place the younger Al-Bisrab in any college of his choosing.

"I do recognize the irony that it was through the extreme drunkeness and debauchery occuring in the Great Falls that my eldest son can now attend college," commented Azheet after being informed of the Thirsty Thursday Club's almost single-handed impact on his family's academic future. "My eternal gratitude goes out to theses legendary drunkards. May your thirst for cheap beer be as ravenous and inestimable as Allah's infinite power. And please keep your stomachs filled until 2015, when my eldest daughter will be ready to attend USC. We will continue facing North toward these Great Falls to offer our prayers for the endurance of these brave men's livers after we face Mecca for our daily prayers."

When asked for their reaction, Thirsty Thursday Club President Jeff Andreoli said only "How loud's that kid's voice? I think we might have some joker from Pakistan playing on the Idaho Falls Team this year, and we could really get inside his head if we could heckle him in his native language. Plus I think it's only proper to get this kid ready to go to college by getting hammered for the first time."

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