Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Assasination Attempt Foiled

Local law enforcement released a report late Sunday allaying the fears of White Sox players and fans alike; the top echelons of the Thirsty Thursday Club executiveship survived an assasination attempt after the Club's innagural away game in Helena (Montana). The report cited only initial findings, as the investigation into the insidious plot to silence the menacing tongues of the Club's top three members is in its infancy and still under the guise of the Federal Bureau of Investigation. No Special Agents were allowed to comment due to the magnitude of the potential victim's standing in Great Falls, but Police Chief Cloyd "Corky" Grove provided the following statement:
"All I can say now is that our boys are safe and will remain so at an undisclosed location. They have plenty of beer and will be allowed access to Pittsburgh Pirates' games in order to maintain their high level of heckling proficiency. They have also requested at least two 'Calgary 9's or above', though we are still trying to identify the meaning of their request, the Club has assured us we will need to look 'way beyond the Electric City'."

Initial findings suggest the conspiracy to kill Club President Jared "I think his name is Alton" Smith, Vice-President and star heckler Scotty "The Tuffie Slayer" Simpson, and Special Executive Advisor Jeff "Buck Foston" Andreoli involved three 16oz cups of beer laced with strychnine sent as gifts late in the 6th inning of last Friday's game versus the Helena Brewers. "This chick comes up to our crew and hands the three of them cold beers and says that they're gifts from the Club's biggest fans," sobbed a petrified Club member who requested anonymity for safety reasons. "In any normal circumstance there is no way those guys would ever pass up a free beer, but we were lucky that day. The cups had "KOKANEE" embossed across their sides in big letters. I saw Oli and Jared almost puke on the seats right in front of them. The guys graciously accepted the beers but lamented that they'd have to wait a few minutes before they drank the beer because they 'liked Kokanee better lukewarm'. I think they ended up getting rubber gloves and dumping the beer on the grass behind the stands. I guess we're just fortunate that they have good taste in beer." This fortuitous action saved the prodigious men's lives, as four large dogs were found dead later next to the pool of spilt beer, alerting Don Knott's Security, the Club's private protection firm, to the foul play.
Though there have been no official charges brought forth, lead suspects in the attempted assasination are Helena Manager Edward Sedar, the evening's homeplate umpire Brian Evans, and Helena infielder Freddy De La Cruz. The Club's merciless heckling of all three individuals leaves ample motive for this deadly retribution from any of the aforementioned suspects, but lead sources point toward the Brewers' manager. "The Club hit a nerve when they revealed Sedar's bladder control problems to the world. Coach Sedar is a proud man, and I think he took the allegation that he wears man-diapers under his uniform pretty seriously, even if it is the truth," remarked Brewers' team physician Dr. Stuart MacArthur. Sedar could not be reached for comment, but in an unofficial statement he countered "Adult incontinence affects millions of Americans each year. Why should I have to bear the unpitying taunts of these upstarts? Don Knotts be damned, I'll stop them soon!"
The personal assault on the Thirsty Thursday Club has left many members questioning their resolve to finish the season, but few doubt that the Club will be in full force next Thursday. "We're all pretty shook up," noted Rookie prospect Nick Murray, "but that doesn't mean we're gonna pass up dollar beers. I'm pretty sure Jeff, Jared, and Scotty will be back by then too. I don't know their exact whereabouts, but if I could make on guess, it'd be 826 5th St SW, Calgary, Alberta T2P 1W4. That's just a guess though."


Blogger Oli #19 said...

Yea, this was a close call. I was on alert for any tainted Molson served in a McDonald's drink cup, but this one almost got me. I figured since it wasn't coming out of an ice tub and served by a nearly naked knockout, it was good to go.

12:57 PM  

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