Words Exchanged as Tensions Escalate

Frustrated by a terrible White Sox team, the Thirsty Thursday Club launched a verbal assault upon the Ogden Raptors Thursday night, forcing most of the team to the top steps of the dugout. The Raptors apparently wore their rabbit ears that night, as glares and words were exchanged throughout the course of the game. Their best comeback, "look at the score," was meritless based on the fact that the White Sox lose every game, and in reality, an 8-7 loss is really a victory in our books.

In response to the incidents, acting President Scotty Simpson raised the threat level to "Orange," and called in extra Don Knotts Security personnel to protect the Club. The Club was escorted out a secret exit and taken to a secure, undisclosed location, as most of the Ogden team was waiting by their bus after the game with bats in hand.

One arrest was made, as Club member Joe Clemmer was taken into custody for using an illegal audio device. The fact that his air horn sounded more like a party favor or a wet fart did not matter to law enforcement officials. Raptor first baseman Rick Taloa accompanied the officers to the police station, not as witness, but as a man on a mission to find more donuts. And in response to the mullet chant, Raptor pitcher Cody White replied, "I'm trying to look more like my hero, Scott Baio, during his Charles in Charge days. Plus it fits right in here in Great Falls."

Andreoli Answers the Call

Well, as they say, desperation makes strange bedfellows. This case is no exception. In a last ditch effort to rescue their season, the Tampa Bay Devil Rays have completed a trade for Thirsty Thursday Club (TTC) Special Advisor Jeff Andreoli. Rays owner Stuart Sternberg was available to comment: “We heard he was a top notch guy. It’s the kind of talent we just can’t pass over. If we could field some ball players with skills comparable to [Oli’s] heckling proficiency, we’d have a dynasty like the Detroit Tigers!”

The specific details of the deal were not disclosed, but an informant close to the organization spoke to TTC reporters on the condition of anonymity. (His name’s actually Joe Maddon – he’s the manager of the Devil Rays – f*#! anonymity). “He’ll be more than adequately compensated for his relocation," Maddon said, seen above at a press conference before last night's game. "We’ve been having trouble getting the kind of quality hecklers we’ve been looking for locally, so we’ve decided to go outside of our own farm system and bring in a real pro. I’m sure he’ll be able to whip these fans into shape and get the job done right. I mean, just look at what he’s produced up there in Great Falls. It’s amazing!”

Word on the street is that Oli was not initially interested in the deal, but was swayed by the monetary compensation as well as the addendum to his contract which guaranteed him auditions with several local bands (all of which have names that are pronounceable by individuals without astronomy degrees – see Enceladus). “It was just an opportunity I couldn’t turn down,” said the TTC’s former President. “I certainly won’t forget all the little people I stepped on and squashed to get where I am, and I’m looking forward to a fresh crop of rookies to order around.”

The Club’s current President, Jared Smith, views this deal as a blessing in disguise. “He’s earned this opportunity, and I know he’ll make it,” exclaimed Smith through tear filled eyes. “We hate to see him go, but we understand that this is a business,” Smith declared. “He's mentored me well, and I’m ready to help take the TTC to the next level.”

The Great Falls community, as well as the remaining members of the Thirsty Thursday Club, all wish Jeff a warm farewell, and commend him on a job well done. The August 17th game vs Ogden will be his last Thirsty Thursday. But his legacy here will not be forgotten. As a token of good faith, the organization has agreed that his #19 jersey will be retired.

Best of luck in your new surroundings, Oli!

Club Asks Cole for Mercy

The Thirsty Thursday Club has seen the White Sox play the Helena Brewers a whopping 6 times this season, and their record is a dismal 1-5. During these losses, Brewers' centerfielder Cole Gillespie has torn Sox pitching apart. It's a rare event when the big guy from Oregon State makes an out, and even when he hits the ball 2 inches, he still gets a hit. He smacked one so far yesterday that golfers on the 6th tee at Eagle Falls golf course were scrambling for cover. And no matter what strategy the Club takes against the slugger, be it the silent treatment or making fun of his weight, Cole continues to stroke base hits.

In response to these ferocious attacks, Club President Jared Smith has decided to throw in the towel and cry uncle. Smith and the Club acknowledge that Cole is the better man, and are in negotiations as we speak to limit Cole's damaging blows. The Club will give Cole his own numbered Thirsty Thursday Club jersey, a year's supply of Spitz seeds, and several gallons of the Club's own "special" Pepsi. In return, Cole will agree to bat left handed and blindfolded in all games against the Sox. He will also have to use a regulation Wiffle Ball bat. "He'll still probably bat .400 against us," said a frustrated Smith. "But it's better than the .900 he's hitting now."

Gillespie was unavailable to speak on the transaction, but sources say he is especially excited about getting his hands on some of that "special" Pepsi. Several White Sox players were approached for comment, but apparently they had all suffered hearing loss the previous evening and could not understand the questions, only muttering something about "free beer" and "loud Bush covers and made up Nirvana songs."

McCulloch Promoted, Thanks Club

Kyle McCulloch (left), the 2006 first round pick of the White Sox who spent the first part of the season in Great Falls, has been promoted to Class A Winston-Salem. Chicago GM Ken Williams spoke on the transaction: "Since Kyle was the only pitcher on Great Falls who could reach the plate and throw strikes, we decided to promote him to a level where he would face suitable competition. I don't know what to do about those other bums on the team, short of moving the mound up to little league distance."

McCulloch was not only excited about the promotion, but excited to move out of Great Falls. "I'm glad I don't have those cursed nickel Keno machines to tempt me anymore," he said. One aspect of Winston-Salem that doesn't match up to the Electric City is the Thirsty Thursday Club. "Those guys were top notch," McCulloch said. "They've got some jokers in this league who can't touch the Thirsty Thursday Club. There's no organization, no uniforms, and their heckles are terrible. I'd like to thank the guys in Great Falls for prepping me for the future. I firmly believe that if you can handle their rants, you can handle anything."

Club President Jared Smith seemed unimpressed by McCulloch's remarks. "That's our job," he said. "We're just contributing to their growth as professional ball players. If he makes it to the Show however, he better remember us when we're looking for some box seats at Comisky Park."

Lawmakers Seek Heckling Assistance

As issues in the Middle East continue to heat up, new methods of reaching a resolution are beginning to surface. In fact, according to Middle East Online there was “a stormy extraordinary session of parliament that was repeatedly interrupted by angry heckles from Israeli Arab lawmakers, two of whom were evicted from the chamber.”

Following their removal, the Thirsty Thursday Club (TTC) was contacted by one of the lawmaker's representatives, who wished to remain anonymous. According to TTC sources, the Israeli Arab lawmakers were seeking information on honing their heckling skills. While TTC President Jared “Great Falls Ten” Smith stated he could not comment directly on the case, he did provide the following tips for all hecklers. “The key to heckling is to keep it family friendly,” Smith noted. “As long as you pick your spots and keep it PG, they have no grounds to eject you.”

"By consulting with the TTC, our Middle Eastern hecklers are sure to have greater success," Scotty Simpson stated. Photographers were able to obtain the above photo displaying Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice's reaction to some new possible heckles.

You can read the entire article detailing the parliamentary fiasco here.

Club Starts a New Losing Streak

After a promising victory last Thursday, a few members of the Thirsty Thursday Club tried to repeat the magic Sunday afternoon. Unfortunately, a win was not in the cards for the White Sox, as they fell to the Billings Mustangs 8-4. A handy little coupon secured 4 tickets, 4 hot dogs, and 4 sodas (not pops) for the Club for only 10 bucks. And since the beer batter pulled an O-fer, it was fortunate that Special Advisor Jeff Andreoli carried something in his pocket to turn those drinks into “special” sodas. President Jared “All Thumbs” Smith defeated Vice President Scotty “The Intern Stalker” Simpson in the ACE Hardware “Nail Off,” and amazingly both guys walked away with all their digits intact. Danny Dorn (above) of the Mustangs went Cole on us, smacking a homerun after we reamed the guy. And Andreoli was shot and wounded by Boomer, the Sox mascot. Apparently the “moose” does not take well to being heckled. Andreoli’s injuries do not appear to be life threatening however, although his status for the next game is questionable.

Smith Turns Club Around

Jared Smith ushered in his Presidency last night with a resounding 4-1 victory over Great Falls’ nemesis, the Helena Brewers. Logan Williamson took a no hitter into the seventh inning, and John Shelby and Lee Cruz both belted homers for the White Sox. The Club was forced to relocate to a section behind the visitors’ dugout because their normal seating area was reserved for another party. President Smith took some heat for allowing this snafu to occur, but in the end, the move worked out to the Club’s advantage. The close proximity to the Brewers dugout extended the heckling to their entire team, and not just those on the left side of the field. Once again however, Cole Gillespie continued to rake base hits despite the ruthless rants of the Club.

One mainstay missing from the action was Brewers’ manager Ed Sedar. Rumors circulated throughout the Club concerning his whereabouts. Some speculated that he was left on the side of I-15 when the team bus stopped for one of his many bathroom breaks. Others believed that Boomer the “Moose” buried him under the right field foul pole, next to Jimmy Hoffa. Still others thought the Brewers finally did the right thing and fired the goofball. No matter where he was, it was obvious that the Brewers were hopeless without their leader, who had yet to lose to the Sox this season. Their interim manager did not even know his players’ names, and was overheard telling “number 17 to go warm up.” Special Advisor Jeff Andreoli offered his scorecard to the elderly coach, who either ignored him or forgot the question. “I should have put on a jersey and sat in the dugout,” said Andreoli. “I’m sure he would have told me to warm up eventually.”

President Smith has scheduled a victory party, open to the public, at the Club Cigar this Saturday at 9pm. Local contemporary rock act Enceladus will perform live. Ladies under 200 pounds get in free.

Manager Confronts Heckler

In a radio address following their Thursday night game against the Great Falls White Sox, Helena Brewers’ manager Ed Sedar (right) lashed out at the Thirsty Thursday Club. Scotty #13 recounts the game time heckle: “It was the 7th inning, and I was on my 5th beer...or maybe it was the 5th inning and I was on my 7th beer. Whatever the case, I distinctly remember a foul ball careening just outside the third base line. Ed was out there, doubling as the third base coach due to budget constraints, and he made a weak barehanded effort to snatch the ball. In my heckling frenzy, I called old Ed out saying, ‘Hey Ed, maybe 20 years ago!’ That apparently got his attention, because he promptly turned in my direction and flashed me a sign. It wasn’t profane or anything. It was probably some signal for me to come and sub in for him, but I had a number of 12oz blondes to entertain.”

Apparently, Ed was so preoccupied by the rant that after the game, during his radio commentary, he felt the need to correct Scotty. “I could’ve grabbed that 10 years ago,” Ed retorted.

Touché!

When asked for a comment on the situation, Club President Jared “Rock Star” Smith noted, “Well according to club policy, the heckle was fair game. It’s an important step for the TTC. We’re finally getting the kind of media exposure we deserve. Truly the sky’s the limit.”