Monday, August 14, 2006

Club Asks Cole for Mercy

The Thirsty Thursday Club has seen the White Sox play the Helena Brewers a whopping 6 times this season, and their record is a dismal 1-5. During these losses, Brewers' centerfielder Cole Gillespie has torn Sox pitching apart. It's a rare event when the big guy from Oregon State makes an out, and even when he hits the ball 2 inches, he still gets a hit. He smacked one so far yesterday that golfers on the 6th tee at Eagle Falls golf course were scrambling for cover. And no matter what strategy the Club takes against the slugger, be it the silent treatment or making fun of his weight, Cole continues to stroke base hits.

In response to these ferocious attacks, Club President Jared Smith has decided to throw in the towel and cry uncle. Smith and the Club acknowledge that Cole is the better man, and are in negotiations as we speak to limit Cole's damaging blows. The Club will give Cole his own numbered Thirsty Thursday Club jersey, a year's supply of Spitz seeds, and several gallons of the Club's own "special" Pepsi. In return, Cole will agree to bat left handed and blindfolded in all games against the Sox. He will also have to use a regulation Wiffle Ball bat. "He'll still probably bat .400 against us," said a frustrated Smith. "But it's better than the .900 he's hitting now."

Gillespie was unavailable to speak on the transaction, but sources say he is especially excited about getting his hands on some of that "special" Pepsi. Several White Sox players were approached for comment, but apparently they had all suffered hearing loss the previous evening and could not understand the questions, only muttering something about "free beer" and "loud Bush covers and made up Nirvana songs."


Anonymous TomMcD#12 said...

It occurs to me that with Cole no longer available to heckle, and most of Helena's other players previously heckled, we need to start playing some more teams. (This is not a problem of TTC leadership so don't take it personal.)

11:22 PM  
Blogger Oli #19 said...

Agreed. I'm running out of victims on Helena. I'll have to put the mascots on there soon. Plus I'm sick of losing to those bastards.

8:29 AM  
Blogger Scotty #13 said...

They were the worst team in our division the first half of the's like the Sox caught their disease of total suckage by playing them so much. Truly a shame. They need to hurry and call Cole up to some higher league, because I'm sick of seeing him beat the crap out of our pitchers.

12:32 PM  
Anonymous sally #10 said...

well.....I guess that we are doing a good job at turning punks into pros.

7:35 AM  

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