Thursday, July 27, 2006

Freddy De La Cruz Contracts Unknown Illness

Doctors and Helena Brewers team officials struggled to identify the cause of a mysterious illness that struck Helena 3rd Baseman Freddy De La Cruz late last night. Freddy was rushed to Benefis Hospital after he fell ill with terrible stomach pain and nausea after he was informed that the team's next game was in Great Falls. He also lost complete control of his urinary and bowel functions, soiling his uniform so severely that the clubhouse attendant, who wished to remain nameless, said it was "the worst stink he had ever smelled. And that uniform, it is completely unsavageable."

Officials immediately suspected food poisoning, but after analyzing Freddy's diet over the previous 24 hours, discovered that the only items he consumed were rice, beans, and 2 Twinkies. The sources were found safe and uncontaminated.

"I'll tell you what it was," said Thirsty Thursday Club President Jeff Andreoli. "When that dude heard he was coming back to the G-Funk, he sh!t his pants. Now that's a normal reaction for anyone who has to come back to this place, for any reason. But having to deal with us (the Club) again, he wanted no part of that."

Helena team physician Dr. Stuart MacArthur suspects that Andreoli's crude analysis is fundamentally correct. "The mental stress brought upon Mr. De La Cruz from this catastrophic news caused his body's cholinergic system to completely overfire, resulting in the myriad of symptoms of which Freddy experienced," he said. "The only other time I have seen a reaction this severe was as medic in Vietnam. But I would classify dealing with the elements of Great Falls, including the hostile rants of the Thirsty Thursday Club, to be equivalent to the worst forms of combat."

When asked for a reaction to the diagnosis, Club member Josh "Hutch" Hutchins responded, "Huh? Freddy just sounds like a major puss to me. So to speak." Hutch then proceeded to lean over, grimace, and warn everyone in a 20 foot radius that "they might want to leave the area."


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