President Fired as Club Remains Winless

3 days, 3 games, 2 cities...3 losses. The bad luck for the Thirsty Thursday Club and the Great Falls White Sox continued, as the Club's road trip to Helena failed miserably. The Sox dropped both games in the Capital City, making the Club a perfect 0-7 on the season. In the series finale, a good pitcher's duel turned into a blowout as the Brewers routed the Sox 11-0. It was so bad that the Club was forced to turn on some of their own players. Following the game, Club President Jeff Andreoli was removed from his position and reassigned within the organization. Vice President Jared Smith will assume the Presidential duties, with Scotty Simpson taking over as Vice President. The Club has scheduled a press conference at 1pm Mountain Time today in order for the new leadership to address the media. Rumors are also circulating that the Club is close to a deal that would send Andreoli and a bottle of Crown Royal Limited to Tampa Bay for 2 prospects and a year's supply of fish sticks. The deal is being held up by the fact that Smith does not want to part with the Crown, but he is considering completing the trade for the sake of the Club.

Despite the losses, the road trip to Helena was a good time. Brewers' home Kindrick Field outperformed Centene Stadium in several aspects, including 1) they served microbrews, 2) they served them in 24 oz cups, 3) they had hotter girls working the booths, 4) they had beer vendors that came to your seats, and 5) it was really easy to get a good seat at the game because there was nobody there. There were a few negatives, however, including 1) $5.50 for a beer - that's steep in this state, and 2) they stopped serving beer after the 7th inning - weak! After the game the Club headed over to some bar that was closing down after that night. Every drink in the place was a $1. It was like a Thirsty Thursday in Great Falls, only the choices were much more varied than Bud Light, Coors Light, and Miller Lite. In fact, judging by the size of most of the women in the place, I don't think they served anything "light." The Club will be back in Great Falls this Thursday as they try once again for their first victory of the season, this time under new President Jared Smith's reign.

Club Members, Players Drown Sorrows - Or Celebrate?

Thirsty Thursday Club members and several White Sox players were seen late last night at the famous Sip n’ Dip Lounge after the Sox lost another tough one, making the Club a horrific 0-5 on the season. The Sox took a 3-2 lead into the seventh, but a 5-run inning by the Helena Brewers sealed the victory for the visitors. The rally happened just as a small squadron of the Club relocated to behind home plate in order to get a better heckling angle. Coincidence? Or could the Club’s antics really be fueling the opponents? The bad luck the Club has brought upon the White Sox has many fans talking. “The Club is entertaining and all,” said longtime Sox fan and Great Falls resident Abe Arnold. “But they never help us win.”

Club President Jeff Andreoli dismissed the notion that the Club is a detriment to the Sox. “Our tactics are the same year in and year out, and we’ve always had success in the past,” he said. “Sometimes the ball just doesn’t bounce your way.” Maybe so, but statistical analysis of the games proves the Sox make more errors, give up more runs, and leave more men on base when the Club is in attendance. “I don’t buy it,” said Andreoli, seen above being whisked away by Don Knotts Security personnel following the loss. Andreoli and losing pitcher Steve Spurgeon were later seen downing shots together at the Sip n’ Dip Lounge. Could this be a conspiracy? Are the Club and certain Sox players working together to throw baseball games as part of an underground gambling ring? Could this be another Black Sox scandal? This reporter doesn’t want to jump to conclusions, but further investigation into the matter is warranted.

The Club will test the “delayed effects of heckling” theory tonight, when a small contingent travels to Helena to cheer on the Sox as they battle the Brewers again. It will be the first ever road game for the Club, and they hope to create quite a ruckus in enemy territory. Details coming this weekend.

Freddy De La Cruz Contracts Unknown Illness

Doctors and Helena Brewers team officials struggled to identify the cause of a mysterious illness that struck Helena 3rd Baseman Freddy De La Cruz late last night. Freddy was rushed to Benefis Hospital after he fell ill with terrible stomach pain and nausea after he was informed that the team's next game was in Great Falls. He also lost complete control of his urinary and bowel functions, soiling his uniform so severely that the clubhouse attendant, who wished to remain nameless, said it was "the worst stink he had ever smelled. And that uniform, it is completely unsavageable."

Officials immediately suspected food poisoning, but after analyzing Freddy's diet over the previous 24 hours, discovered that the only items he consumed were rice, beans, and 2 Twinkies. The sources were found safe and uncontaminated.

"I'll tell you what it was," said Thirsty Thursday Club President Jeff Andreoli. "When that dude heard he was coming back to the G-Funk, he sh!t his pants. Now that's a normal reaction for anyone who has to come back to this place, for any reason. But having to deal with us (the Club) again, he wanted no part of that."

Helena team physician Dr. Stuart MacArthur suspects that Andreoli's crude analysis is fundamentally correct. "The mental stress brought upon Mr. De La Cruz from this catastrophic news caused his body's cholinergic system to completely overfire, resulting in the myriad of symptoms of which Freddy experienced," he said. "The only other time I have seen a reaction this severe was as medic in Vietnam. But I would classify dealing with the elements of Great Falls, including the hostile rants of the Thirsty Thursday Club, to be equivalent to the worst forms of combat."

When asked for a reaction to the diagnosis, Club member Josh "Hutch" Hutchins responded, "Huh? Freddy just sounds like a major puss to me. So to speak." Hutch then proceeded to lean over, grimace, and warn everyone in a 20 foot radius that "they might want to leave the area."

Sox Break .500

As you may know, our boys recently went off on a 7 game road stint. The good news - besides the fact that we were afforded some important rehydration hours - is they’ve actually been progressing (and playing better baseball, even!). Before their departure we were just a bit concerned about their fragile mental state. Their last road trip was a disaster, but fortunately for the Sox this time around, they faced the league’s worst team – by record anyhow – the Casper Rockies. After spotting the Rockies a win on their first outing, our team rallied and produced back to back wins to bring their overall record to 15-14. In case you’re not too keen on the math, that’s actually a winning record! That’s right, 1 game above .500! While this was a short lived stand in the green side of things, the Sox continue to improve on their play. I mean, heck, they only had 3 errors and numerous base running catastrophes Monday night against Missoula!

In other related news, the concessions manager at Centene Stadium, Eddie Parksdale, informed the Club that they’re considering offering a new microbrew in the stadium. “Well, we’ve been so pleased with our alcohol sales at home games that we thought the only way to improve it would be to offer some new brews,” stated Parksdale. "We’re working on a special ‘Sox Brew.’ It will be a full bodied microbrew, with a citrus-scented aroma and a smooth hoppy aftertaste.” The Thirsty Thursday Club's response was mixed, some favoring the introduction of a beer named after the Sox, and others opposing it. "I just don't see why anyone would want socks in their mouths," quipped #14 Richard Clive.

Parksdale assured Club President Jeff Andreoli that the Club would be afforded a special sampling, to which he replied, “Hey buddy, if it ain’t a light beer I’m not drinking it…I gotta watch my figure.”

Club Pulls Off World Series Trophy Heist

In what was dubbed “Operation Thirsty Monday,” a skeleton crew of Thirsty Thursday Club members successfully stole the World Series trophy, which was visiting Great Falls from Chicago on Monday. Although under tight security, the three masked Club members (pictured above, just before the theft) were able to distract the guard long enough to escape with the trophy. Witnesses reported seeing the men fleeing on bicycles, one carrying “a very large, shiny object” under his arm. Centene Stadium officials ignored the fleeing men, figuring they were White Sox employees because of their “official looking uniforms.”

“Well this one guy, with this shell necklace, tells me that there are girls in bikinis serving ice cream by the bleachers,” said trophy security guard Tony Mossimino. “So I run to check that out. I mean chicks in bikinis in Great Falls? Who wouldn’t want to see that?” With the trophy unguarded, the Thirsty Thursday Club members were able to snatch the prize and escape out the door, while fans watched in frozen shock. Officials in Chicago are furious over the theft, and reportedly have threatened to move the Great Falls team to Butte if the trophy is not returned. If the trophy cannot be recovered, the White Sox will ask to borrow one of the New York Yankees 26 World Series trophies for the time being.

As for the game, the White Sox dropped another one, 6-5 in 11 innings to the Missoula Osprey, making the Thirsty Thursday Club 0-4 on the season. There were encouraging signs, however, as the White Sox played much better baseball. The Club relocated to seats behind home plate, where their timely heckling helped the Sox rally for 3 runs in the bottom of the 8th inning to tie the game. Some new strategies were also developed that will be revealed at Thursday’s game. Reports are also circulating that President Jeff Andreoli’s job may be in jeopardy if the Club does not change its losing ways. Possible replacements are rumored to be current Vice President Jared Smith and St Louis Cardinals manager Tony LaRussa.

Last Jersey to be Auctioned On EBay

As we head down the home stretch of the season, only 1 Thirsty Thursday Club uniform remains, a size medium, number 10. While many potential members have been vying for this coveted last jersey, Club President Jeff Andreoli has decided to place the item for sale on EBay, an internet auction site. "Yea, I'm taking my chances by putting it up for sale," he said. "Who knows who will win and become a member? We could get some idiot. But the financial gain realized from the sale make it well worth the risk."

Experts are predicting that the jersey will sell for between $1500 and $2000, or more importantly, up to 2000 free beers for the Club. That should be enough to get the Club through 16 2/3 innings at their current pace. Andreoli almost awarded the jersey to a young female who went to the extreme by getting the Club name tattooed on her back (left). "She wasn't bad looking, but she was kind of a butterface. She only came in at a Calgary Scale 6.65 (Great Falls Scale equivalent 9.78), so we had to turn her down. We do appreciate the free advertising though."

Bidding on the jersey will begin at midnight Saturday, and expect a frenzy to ensue. The winner will have to make an appearance at one of the games (at their own expense) and buy a round of brews for the Club.

Mayor Denied Club Membership

In a surprising move, the mayor of Great Falls' application for admittance to The Thursday Thursday Club has been denied. The decision comes amidst overwhelming public demand for Club membership, causing President Jeff Andreoli to restrict membership only to worthy applicants. "I don't care who she is," he said. "We just rejected Kirk Cameron (pictured at right) yesterday. We threw him out as soon as he walked in with that hat. Political or social power mean nothing to us. You need to be able to pound the beers."

Those desiring to become part of this elite organization must first go through an initial tryout period. Aspiring members should introduce themselves to the Club and make their intentions known. Candidates will be evaluated on 1) their ability to drink, and 2) their ability to heckle. "Some people just can't heckle effectively, and I'm OK with that," said Andreoli. "It's a born skill. I'd rather have someone not heckle at all than sound like an idiot." Believe it or not, the Club has several rules of etiquette, which must be adhered to at all times. Candidates not familiar with the rules can pick up a copy of "Heckling for Dummies," at any Barnes n' Noble bookstore for $19.95. "If someone doesn't follow the rules, we'll give them the benefit of the doubt the first time, and correct their inadequacies. But if they're a thickhead, they're out of here," quipped Andreoli.

After the tryout, the members of the Club will confer, and may accept the candidate into the Club or deny membership. He or she may also be asked to return to a future game for a re-evaluation. "I'm not trying to be an ass here, but look, I don't want to dilute the club into a bunch of numbnuts," said Andreoli. "I'm looking for quality, not quantity, unlike Dan's (Jimenez) love life. As always, anyone can come hang out in our section. But to don the black and gray, now that takes someone special." Andreoli added that the Club is currently actively recruiting attractive females (Calgary Scale 7's and above only) and midgets. Bonuses may apply to qualified candidates.

The Long Term Effects of Heckling: A Continuing Study

It has long been theorized that by heckling at the Sox games, there would be an immediate impact on the result of the games. This year has been somewhat anomalous, however, as the Thirsty Thursday Club has gone 0-3 at home games. This has led some of the members to search for answers at the bottom of their 12oz cups, others to cite umpire conspiracy theories, and others still to look for a rational explanation. When asked for comment, Scotty #13 reported the following:

“Well, let’s look at this from a different perspective. While the Sox have gone 0 for 3 on games we’ve actually attended, I get the impression that we’re doing more damage to the visiting teams then they initially let on. When we evaluate the record of the Sox following our memorable appearances, you will notice their record is a respectable 3-3. In fact, following that abysmal performance against Idaho Falls which was plagued by errors, horrible calls by the Umps, stellar heckling, and some kind of voodoo, the Sox sealed back to back wins against the Chukars. My theory is that our heckling was so phenomenal and intellectually based that it took a full evening for the Idaho Falls boys to digest it. They are just now beginning to pay the price. As we’ve refined our heckling skills and improved on our alcohol induced abilities to get under the skin of individual players, there has been clear scientific evidence that there is a long term effect (P=0.005)! I mean, it’s the subtlety of our banter that does the real damage. I’m beginning to believe that we’re just too damn smart for our own good. When we heckle, it’s kinda like telling your girlfriend she’s fat, but not saying it outright. You know? You say something like, ‘Hey, are you sure you want to eat that?’ and ‘Have you been drying your clothes with high heat?’ After a while the seeds are planted, and your woman’s got a complex!”
Scotty then incoherently trailed off rambling about Tuffies and the trials and tribulations of the single life in Great Falls.

So is it possible that the sophistication of the Club’s heckling is actually psychologically damaging the Sox opponents? I think it might just be plausible. #12 Tom McDonough had this to say about the possibility, “No you idiot, it’s a DOG. I told you, it’s a dog, not a moose, see? See? See?!?!?”
Did I mention that some members were searching for answers at the bottom of their cups?

Grounds Keeper Carl provided the following statement: “They may be helping out in the long run, ARRRR, I never thought about it…but if they step foot on my field again, I’ll beat them senseless.”

Club Breaks Record as Sox Lose Again

Forgive this writer if the details are little sketchy, but in a memorable evening at Centene Stadium last night, the Thirsty Thursday Club, with a little help from their friends, shattered the old record of 55 beers and finally topped the century mark. The Sox got pounded and were out of the game early, which ruined any effective heckling by the Club. President Jeff Andreoli would not recall the "don't heckle our own team rule," despite the fact that the Sox deserved it in exchange for their poor play. Regardless, a great time was had by all official (9 Club members were in attendance - a new record) and nonofficial members. We pissed off some players, some coaches, some ushers, the mascot, and one ornery grounds keeping bastard. We hung "K"s on the wall for every opposing strikeout, and did not stop when we ran out of pre-made signs. We started the Burke chant for the opposing pitcher, and heckled their 3rd baseman Shawn so bad he went 2 for 3 with 4 RBIs. It tough to figure out whether the Club is an asset or a detriment to the White Sox. But one thing's for sure: they sure do help the concession stands make money.

Club Seeks First Win on Thursday

The Thirsty Thursday Club is heading into Thursday's game against Idaho Falls with one thing on their minds: Drink their faces off. But notching a win is a close second. "We've never gone this far into the season without a victory," said President Jeff Andreoli. "We're going to come into the game strong, with a lot of numbers, and use our new strategy (see July 4th post) to get the White Sox a W." The White Sox, whose sloppy play has contributed to their 0-2 record on Club outings, will have to come with their 'A game' against the Idaho Falls Chukars, who are in first place in the Southern Division of the Pioneer League. "But obviously they haven't won any games with the Thirsty Thursday Club in their heads yet," added Andreoli. "We're going to make life miserable for those SOBs, really ruin their Thursday evening here in Great Falls."

The Club will also make an attempt at their goal of 100 beers during a single game. "I know we can do it one of these nights," said Andreoli. "We'll need the bottom of the order and some of the rookies to step it up a bit, however. Scotty Simpson did his training at the University of Florida, supposedly a big party school. So I called him up to the big club, but so far I'm a little disappointed. He should be able to drink his weight in beer, he only comes in at 95 pounds for crying out loud. But I'm not giving up on him yet. If he doesn't improve by the end of the season, we'll really have to evaluate our Southeastern farm system, maybe overhaul the scouting down there."

The Club recently signed rookie Drew Woodbury, who steps in ready to be a big contributor. "He's out of Boston, so I know he can drink," said Andreoli. "Plus those bastards are obnoxious as hell, so that's a plus."

If all goes well Thursday night, the Sox will be victorious, and the concession stand will be $100 richer. But watch your step as you exit the stadium, that may just be a Thirsty Thursday Club member you're stepping on.

Calgary Firm Looks to Buy Thirsty Thursday Club

A Calgary firm is interested in buying the famed Thirsty Thursday Club, with intentions of moving them to Calgary to support the Flames hockey team. Fans in Calgary have been demanding drastic measures after watching rival Edmonton make it to the Stanley Cup finals this past season.

Thirsty Thursday Club President Jeff Andreoli could not comment on the proposed deal, but said if the sale did go through, "we'd have some serious work to do. I mean we'd all have to go to voice augmentation school in order to be heard in the much bigger, more crowded Saddledome (home of the Flames). Also, we'd have to do our homework to learn the rules and players of the NHL in order to heckle to our fullest potential."

Other members of the Club also would not comment, but a close source said most of the Club is "ecstatic" about the possible move. Although the sale has been agreed to in principle, details of the contract still need to be worked out. For example, will the Club buy beers for an American dollar or a Canadian Loonie? Also, it has been said that Andreoli is adamant about not being served Molson or Kokanee brand beer. Andreoli has also requested 4 female bartenders from Cowboys Niteclub to act as the Club's personal servers (2 of the uglier bartenders are pictured above).

White Sox officials fear losing the Club to the Calgary firm and their lucrative offer. "The Club has really made a name for themselves here and are in high demand," said White Sox GM Jim Keough. "I don't think we can match what the Calgary firm is offering, but we are willing to throw in some free hot dogs, if that helps. We are also considering extending the $1 beer promotion until the 6th inning, if we can get the financial support of the big guys in Chicago."

If the sale goes through, the Thirsty Thursday Club will be in Calgary in time for the start of the NHL season. No word yet on a possible replacement in Great Falls, but the White Sox are rumored to be in discussions with members of the Yankee Stadium bleacher creatures.

McCulloch Blows Entire Bonus

Kyle McCulloch, the White Sox first-round draft pick out of the University of Texas who received a $1.05 million signing bonus, reportedly spent the entire sum last weekend at the newly remodeled Loading Zone complex. "This place has got everything," he said. "I don’t know why you would go anywhere else. You have rock music, country music, strippers, a casino, and a barbecue restaurant all in one."

McCulloch, who ignored the advice of his father to invest the money, said he just couldn’t resist all the entertainment options Great Falls has to offer. "I just love the nickel Keno machines. I see now why they call Great Falls ‘The Electric City’. Austin has nothing on this place."

McCulloch was particularly impressed with the superior music scene here in town, noting that you could never hear too many Def Lepard cover songs. "The bands are so talented, especially that one, what do you call them, Emcilaphus?" He was referring to phonetically challenged local rock icons, Enceladus, known for their dynamic stage show and gorgeous female groupies.

With the bonus gone, McCulloch was reportedly seen filling out job applications at Hardee's and Dairy Queen in order to supplement his income and support his gambling habit.

Club to Revamp Strategy After Second Straight Loss

After suffering their second loss in as many visits to the park, President Jeff Andreoli has decided to alter the Club's heckling strategy. "I'm from the New York City area." he said. "We have historically been hard on our own teams. I mean we're booing ARod right now. We'd boo our own mother if she messed up dinner." But it appears this strategy is not helping the White Sox win ballgames. "We played like crap last night," he continued. "Walks, errors, and most importantly, the damn beer batter only went 1 for 4. That's not going to cut it. But obviously getting on our team is rattling them a bit. We're going to change gears and be a little more supportive, channel that negative energy towards the opponents. The Club has always been proud of a great winning tradition, and this year it's just not happening yet. But there's still time to turn it around."

Fans apprehensive about the changes need not worry. "We'll still be the same boisterous, baseball savvy group," Andreoli said. "We're not going to turn into Oakland A's fans or anything."

Other changes planned include having Andreoli and Jared Smith available in the bullpen to pitch in relief. "(Pitching coach) Curt (Hasler) was really impressed with my splitter," said Smith. "Hopefully I can come in and notch a save or two. Plus it would be easier on my voice if I could heckle from the pitcher's mound."

Yesterday's victim, Helena third baseman Freddy De La Cruz (above), seemed to enjoy the bantering. He was a good sport about the whole thing, and even gave the Club a few smiles. With that attitude, you can go a long way in this game, Freddy. If you learn to hit first.

Don Knotts Security Team Hired

It was announced today that the Thirsty Thursday Club has hired the famous Don Knotts Security team to act as armed escorts for the Club to and from Centene Stadium. The Club is taking precautions to protect their safety in anticipation of hostile actions from opposing players.

"We've got a lot of talent on the Thirsty Thursday Club this season," said Club President Jeff Andreoli. "I'd hate to see someone get wacked by a player who couldn't handle our criticisms. We saw several opposing players waiting for us by their bus last year, and I just don't want to see any of those situations escalate."

Don Knotts, Security Team CEO, said his team will deploy a full contingent of uniformed and undercover personnel to protect the Club. "Right now, this job is our number one priority," he said. "I'm even pulling people from the Kelly Clarkson job to supplement the force. I will also make several personal appearances to oversee the operation."

With their safety in good hands, expect the Thirsty Thursday Club to make even more noise this year.